Plot:

I Know What You Did Last Summer opens with some implied suicidal ideation before quickly assembling our main cast: Helen, Julie, Barry, and Ray, a group of high school buddies. In a tale as old as time, our new friends get loaded and eventually reap the consequences; clearly, their DARE classes had a profound impact. They run over a fisherman, even though no actual drunk driving is involved, and dump him in the bay, assuming he’ll wash out to sea or be nibbled beyond recognition. A year later, their past comes back to haunt them. We spend the next hour or so watching the cast try to identify who it was they hit and attempt to stop him from killing them and the fodder, I mean people, around them.

The Thin Of It:

I Know What You Did Last Summer came out in 1997 with a star-studded cast. Our main characters are Helen (Sarah Michelle Gellar), Julie (Jennifer Love Hewitt), Barry (Ryan Phillipe), and Ray (Freddie Prinze Jr.). Directed by Jim Gillespie and adapted from the novel of the same name by Kevin Williamson, this slasher film was well-received upon its release. Working with a budget of $17 million, the film made over $125 million worldwide, which is certainly nothing to sneeze at. It had been twenty-seven years since I watched I Know What You Did Last Summer; I have now seen it three times in the last two days. Rented from the local Blockbuster by my babysitter, this 80’s inspired horror flick scared my six-year-old self shitless. I am disappointed to say the movie doesn’t hold up to my nostalgic hype.

Considering its almost thirty years of age, I have seen films older, with a smaller budget, that are still a joy to watch today. I don’t have a ton of positives for this one. I liked a handful of scenes, and even those are debatable. For a slasher film, the kills are…okay. Half of them are off-camera, and the ones we see are predominantly lackluster. The jump scares are cheap and only pulled off because the movie is so quiet! I’m unsure if the idea was to add tension, but it doesn’t; it’s awkward.

Despite the experienced cast, the acting is also just okay, but that might not be their fault. Painfully bland dialogue aside, when the group is discussing the supposed murder they committed in any public space, it’s almost laughable. The volume these kids talk at does not indicate their ability to keep a secret. Not to mention the longest insults I’ve ever heard: “Hey, is the washed-up, dried-out, has-been having a moment?” Jesus, girl, pick one! I was ready and willing to accept some cheese, but I swear at no point did anyone sound like an average human in this film.

From a technical standpoint, I was let down again. A specific kill stuck with me as a kid: the balcony scene; it turns out my imagination is far better than reality. The practical effects are generally laughable. The blood we see ranges from ketchup to thin grape jelly. I’m incredibly interested in where that $17 million went. There is one scene I love; it made me giggle, which I’m sure wasn’t the intent. The killer is carrying a body away with his hook after he’s done the deed, and it’s one of the few scenes they got spot on, from the limp body to just the right amount of gore.

Last but not least, we have the story. Overall, the killer has 0 motive. There’s just absolutely no reason this dude decides to go on a spree and kill these kids and the people around them who have nothing to do with him. He acts all high and mighty, but he’s the one going around killing folks for funsies. Sure, the teens ran him over, but did he die though? I would have been happier with literally any kind of explanation for his actions. Given that the bulk of the “story” is dodging a vengeful serial killer, there isn’t much else to speak of. There is no actual character development, nothing super interesting on an interpersonal level. Hey, it’s a slasher flick; I wasn’t expecting to be moved to tears.

The Thickness: (Thar be spoilers ahead)

Now that we’ve got the overview, we can get to my specific gripes with this film. I Know What You Did Last Summer is a classic premise; it’s been pulled off dozens of times, so…what happened? I’ve seen more than my fair share of 80’s and 80’s inspired flicks. I had my expectations, and they weren’t met in any capacity. Firstly, and probably my most inconsequential complaint, is the Diet Coke scene. Buffy, excuse me, Helen walks into her house, gets a clean glass, pours approximately a quarter cup of Diet Coke, takes one sip, and then walks away. It was blatant, annoying product placement and served no purpose. Don’t start with, “Oh, she was distracted so the killer could get to her room and jerk off in her closet.” It was a dumb scene, plain and simple.

Moving on, when we are first introduced to the characters, we see Ray being incredibly creepy towards his girlfriend’s BFF. Amazingly, Julie took it well and laughed it off, but it was such an uncomfortable scene. I don’t know many people who are cool with their partner practically drooling over their best friend. As I mentioned, there’s no character growth to speak of, and I don’t really like any of these people. The guys are creeps, and Barry has some severe anger issues. Julie is very plain Jane. She’s hot, but that’s all she has going for her. Helen ends up being the most relatable character in the end. We see her go from ideas of grandeur to a mundane life in her hometown. To her credit, she doesn’t seem overly bitter about it either. Granted, I’m typically rooting for the killer in these types of movies, but it was exceptionally easy not to care about these people dying.

Now that we’ve covered some of the individuals being murdered, we can go over the kills. First up, we have Max (Johnny Galecki) in what I like to call the Fish Hook scene. Watching Leonard/Max get a hook through the jaw was pretty satisfying and, in my opinion, the best kill in the movie. We get to actually see the kill; the effects are well done and not overly dramatic; it is an all-around excellent murder. I really want to know what the hell he was boiling all those lobsters for, but maybe it’s a fisherman thing. Later on, Max turns up in Julie’s trunk covered in crabs. This scene was creepy, I guess. It would have been funnier if it had been lobsters, but it is what it is, anything to drive home that this is a fishing town. On the topic of Mr. Krabs, how did the killer manage to clean them all up? And with no fishy smell left behind? We’re dealing with a highly efficient murderer with a background in car detailing.

With Max out of the way for no reason, next up is Barry. Barry is watching his old flame from the balcony of what I assume is a community center as Helen prepares to give her pageant crown away to this year’s winner. Barry gets slashed to death with the same hook that got Max. We don’t see much. Helen’s hysteria covers any sounds of Barry’s untimely demise, and the whole town surrounds her and seems super unnecessarily hostile. There’s not much to say about this one. We get to see a little red corn syrup dripping, and that’s the last we see of Barry for a while. The following two kills are more side characters. There’s the cop that “helps” Helen search for Barry, and then Helen’s sister. The cop stops to help what he assumes to be a stranded civilian with his vehicle and gets a hook to the gut. What appears to be runny grape jelly pours from the policeman’s mouth before the killer shifts his attention to Helen, slowly following her as she runs for help. Helen brings the fisherman to her sister because she’s obviously still pissed at the whole “Dried-out, washed-up” thing. While Helen is off calling the police, who have already been so helpful, her sister, Elsa, gets the hook. It’s easily the funniest kill in the movie. Elsa gets her throat slashed, and all we see is a little ketchup squirt of blood on the glass door and a dramatic pose. We do get to see the killer dragging her away, holding her limp body with the hook like a suitcase. I found that hysterical.

Our last main character kill is easily the worst. Helen is running from the fisherman, and just as she sees safety in the massive crowd of people at the end of the alley, she stops. This dumb bitch stops not ten feet from freedom, and then we don’t even get to see her die. There’s some struggling back and forth amongst stacks of tires (why are there stacks of tires?) while lightning flashes, making it impossible to see anything. I hate when a main character is killed off-screen, and that’s what this is. I don’t care if she technically dies in that alley; I didn’t get to see it. However, Helen’s next appearance is perhaps my favorite scene in the movie. Julie is running from the fisherman, having finally identified who he is. (Again, other than the fact they almost killed this guy, he has no reason to go on a psycho-killing spree.) She goes into the live catch well in the ship, through the bilge, and into an ice chamber. I’m not savvy enough to know if this is a real thing fishing boats have, but we’ll roll with it. As she’s trying to bury the door to the room in ice, Helen slides on out in a mini-avalanche, and I cackled. The “body” is so obviously a dummy, and they hold on it for a bit too long, but I loved it. As Julie scrambles back from the corpse of her best friend, her hand lands on Barry’s face. I have no idea why the fisherman decided to keep the bodies of these two in particular, but the scene was fun, so I’ll allow it.

The last “kill” of the movie is, of course, the killer himself. He gets his hand caught in some rigging and eventually chopped off. I actually liked this scene; it was well done and obviously a setup for a sequel with a hook-hand situation. Our very average-looking murderer then gets smashed in the face and tossed overboard. As if our heroes have learned nothing, they assume they have left him in a watery grave.

The rest of my gripes are mainly continuity issues. The killer somehow has a picture of Helen on his boat from a parade she was in hours earlier. When Julie is about to shoot the fisherman, he guns the boat, and even though she is standing at the front, she flies backward, and the gun goes overboard. That one bothered me a lot. Just take an extra minute to look at the physics there, guys. Come on. Overall, I think I’ve made it abundantly clear that this was a miss for me. I enjoy a good, bad horror as much as the next guy, but this was just bad bad. That might upset a lot of people; this movie has been part of the horror lexicon for ages. Oh well, this one didn’t have me hooked.

Rating: 4/10